F Alfred's Life
by cactusitude
Summary: Alfred frets over his weight, Ivan attempts to comfort him, without much success. Oneshot.


Hey! I'm cactusitude and this is my very first story :O I got the idea from an FML I read the other day:

"Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML"

To any true Hetalia fangirl, this of course screams Russia/US. I hope you like it. Reviews would be very Prussia.

* * *

America was happy. He had a burger in his hands, a bag of 6 more on the table, and he was pissing off England - all ingredients for a good day.

"God, these are delicious" he salivated, much to England's distaste.

"I don't know how you can stand those greasy things!" groused England. The two were sitting in a McDonalds not too far from the White House, where England's new boss was enjoying a diplomatic meeting with America's, much to both Nations chagrin.

"Don't be like that, Artie" laughed Alfred, shoving another cheeseburger into his mouth. "I know you love them too. Didn't that chef guy of yours say how great they are?"

Arthur blushed and spluttered. "He said no such thing! Don't talk with your mouth full, and don't call me Artie!"

"Suuuuure he didn't, Artie." Alfred laughed, starting in on his next cheeseburger as he added to the growing pile of wrappers on the table.

"You'll want to stop eating those," chided Arthur. "You don't want to get as fat as those people of yours."

"Me? Fat?" said Alfred, ignoring the insult against his entire population.

"Well… you have gained a little weight lately."

"What are you talking about?" exclaimed Alfred, crumbs spraying from his mouth.

"Honestly Alfred, it's not a big deal. You've just put on a couple of kilos."

"How… how… Shut up!" cried Alfred, jumping up from the table. "I have not! I've still got a washboard stomach! A schoolgir… boy figure!"

"Alfred…" began Arthur, sighing at his ex-charge's vanity.

But Alfred had already begun to stride away… and then stopped, whirled around, walked back, grabbed his burgers, glared at Arthur, then walked away again.

Arthur sighed. Mr. Cameron was going to have kittens….

* * *

Alfred stood in front of his mirror, stark naked, But for once, he wasn't admiring his sleek, toned physique. He was examining his body for extra fat.

Was Arthur right? Had he gained weight? Was he… disgusting?

Alfred's gaze fell to the tape measure on his desk. Alfred had always prided himself on his 30 inch waist, among… other things.

Picking up the tape measure, Alfred wrapped it around his svelte waist, took its measurement and checked it.

…

"32 INCHES?"

Alfred fell to the ground wailing. How could he have let himself go so badly? 2 inches! That was almost… a whole pound!

Ivan found Alfred slumped on the floor of their mutual bedroom half an hour later. The two had been dating for close to 8 months, after bonding at a G20 meeting over their shared love of getting hopelessly drunk. It had been a little hard for them to deal with the whole 50 year long Cold War thing but after a few dates and Russia's concerted efforts not to be creepy they had decided to put everything in the past.

Ivan was strolling around in his boxers, showing off in full glory his silky, platinum blonde locks, toned abs, and shaved chest… wait, what? Despite his state of undress he seemed unbothered by the cold air of the house.

"Alfred? My love, what is wrong?"

"Eeeeerrghh aughhhnnnnnn."

"Ah, I see" said Russia cheerfully, not seeing at all.

"Iiiivaaaannn…" wailed Alfred, like a angsty teen girl. "I'm faatt."

Ivan ran his eyes over Alfred's toned back and perfect ass. "I do not think you are, Alfred."

"But but but… Arthur said I was. I've gained two whole inches on my waist. TWO." At this Alfred burst in to a fresh volley of sobbing.

"Oh, Alfred," sighed Ivan, gently lifting his boyfriend off the floor and cradling him in his arms. "It's ok. You're American. Everyone expects you to be fat."

"…What?"

The End


End file.
